The fine line between assertive and aggressive behaviour can often blur, especially at work. Understanding and navigating this distinction is crucial for professional growth and maintaining a harmonious workplace.
Assertive people ‘like’ themselves, are usually successful at work and in life in general, are confident, and respectful of the rights and needs of others. Aggressive people, on the other hand, are often filled with self-doubt and try to cover this by bullying and being disrespectful to others.
How to Identify Assertive Vs. Aggressive People
Often people believe that they are being assertive, when in fact they are responding aggressively.
An assertive person will:
Communicate their needs clearly whilst respecting the needs of others
Be a good listener and maintain direct eye contact
Work towards a win-win result in a conflict
Complain freely when necessary & justified
Be able to constructively criticise other people and willingly accept criticism, when justified
Compromise and negotiate when necessary
Be able to say, “no” and stick to it
Be specific when expressing themselves or giving explanations
Ask questions to check for understanding
Be aware of their voice (tone & word choice) and body language
Whereas an aggressive person will:
Put their own needs before those of another person
Be a poor listener
Tend to speak loudly and use strong, ‘jerky’ gestures (e.g. karate chop type movements)
Work towards a win-lose result in a conflict
Disregard other people’s feelings or rights
Insist that their own rights are respected
Interrupt and speak over others, often finishing their sentences
Make demands rather than requests
Express an opinion as a fact
Often bully others into agreement
Use ‘you’ and ‘your’ often to blame others whilst excluding themselves. E.g. “You didn’t meet your targets again this month.” (Rather say, “We didn’t meet our targets again this month.” It makes it sound as if the speaker is ‘part’ of the problem and finding a solution. A much more positive approach!)
Transitioning to Assertiveness
Self-Reflection: Begin by understanding your current communication style using honest self-evaluation. Think about past interactions where you felt your approach could have been more assertive.
Set Realistic Goals: Change doesn’t happen overnight. Set small, achievable goals for yourself. For instance, try using “we” statements in your next team meeting, and don’t interrupt others when they are speaking. Once this becomes a habit, set about adding more assertive qualities.
Seek Feedback: Engage with a trusted colleague or mentor who can provide constructive feedback on your communication style.
Role-Play Scenarios: To build your confidence, practice assertive communication as described above, in low-stake environments.
Stay Patient and Persistent: Remember that becoming more assertive is a gradual process. Celebrate small victories along the way.
The Risks of Rapid Change
Transitioning too quickly to assertiveness can lead to pushback, as it may not align with how others perceive you and may come across as insincere, false behaviour. Introduce changes gradually and subtly and be consistent in your behaviour to allow your colleagues to adjust to the ‘new’ you.
In conclusion, assertiveness is a skill that can be learned and become second nature with time and practice. It leads to better relationships, increased respect, and a more positive work and home environment. Start small, stay consistent, and watch the transformation unfold.